Ready or not...

Tomorrow is finally surgery #2.

Im getting up at 4am tomorrow morning (Friday the 19th) in order to be at the University of Chicago hospital by 6am. I have to go through a lot of preparation in order to begin my surgery at 7:30am. I most likely will be on time with the surgery since I am the first one going for the day. Today has kinda sucked… I've been on my clear liquid diet and I'm dying of a terrible headache right now. Not sure if its from not eating, or from not drinking my daily dose of Diet Coke and Coffee. Today I've eaten jello, chicken broth, gatorade and popsicles. I was never full at any point… I feel like a bottomless pit!

Anyways,
I am extremely tired and I need to go to bed soon but I just wanted to post my thoughts and feelings going into this. I have a completely different feeling than how I felt before the first surgery. For the first one I knew it was going to suck and I knew I was going to wake up with an ostomy and whatever else a surgery entails… but what I didn't know is that I would feel the most pain I've ever experienced in my life. I wasn't expecting to be in that much pain. Sitting here now, I know exactly how I am going to feel when I wake up from the surgery and it might even be worse this time due to the bigger incision. I wouldn't say I'm scared of this because that isn't the word I would use. I just honestly want to fast forward all of tomorrow because feeling that much pain makes you really question if this is all worth it. I have learned to never wish time away and enjoy the journey you are going through, but this is the one time I am actually wishing time away. I don't want to feel that much pain again to the point where I can't even function. I want it to all be gone and done with. I am very vulnerable right now and when someone wishes me luck, I become very shaky and tear up. I just want to feel better and I want this to be out of my life.


I will try to post an update as soon as I am able to function…
Until then..

xoxo -- JKL