HAPPY ONE YEAR!!!

This is it.

TODAY MARKS 1 WHOLE YEAR

WITHOUT MY COLON!

Words can't even describe how I feel after my past year of hell, my past year of many lessons learned, my past year of struggles, and my past year of becoming who I will be for the rest of my life. One year ago, I was laying in the hospital at 20 years old, incredibly sick debating whether I could really go through with getting my entire large intestine removed at such a young age. I was scared, sad, depressed, and most of all embarrassed. What 20 year old college student would want to go through such a life changing experience and be living with an ostomy on her stomach for months and months?? I was scared about the way people would look at me and I was scared about how I would look at myself. 

Last summer I was admitted into the hospital on July 9th. My doctor told me I had to go in and I would probably be there for days to weeks since I couldn't get off any steroids. I was in the hospital for a few weeks on IV steroids and medicine until my GI doctor told me I had to make some decisions. As many of you read last year, I was given the choice to try a very intense therapy using a drug called Cyclosporine (with the chance of it not even working) or I could decide to go with getting my entire colon removed. The doctor told me that he would return the next day and I would then tell him what I wanted to do. That night, my parents left me alone so I could gather my thoughts and make a decision without any persuasion. I was frantically trying to look for information on the internet about the surgery and was just sitting there, crying. I will never forget this moment because I wasn't crying because I was sad. I was crying due to fear of not knowing. Not knowing if I was going to be making the right decision. Many nurses came in that night to try to talk to me and see what was going through my head. I truly did not know what I wanted. The only thing I knew was that I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. That night I was trying to eat a sandwich since I hadn't eaten much that day and at this point I still could barely even eat anything without feeling extreme pain and running to the bathroom. These days were very very painful for me. It had gotten to the point where I was in so much pain that I would almost faint or I would almost throw up multiple times a day. The next day came and I hesitantly told the doctor I wanted to try the drugs. I was doing anything to not have to get my stomach cut into. 

Well, let me tell you... This ended very fast for me. After waiting for the medicine to kick in for about a miserable 2 days... I said "FUCK IT" and decided I needed to get the surgery. At 20 years old, I was not living. I was spending way too many days in the hospital, way too many days upset and in pain and crying. I called my parents, very emotional, and told them I was changing my mind. After trying for two years to find my "miracle drug", it was finally time to give up, wave my white flag, and go with my last option -- surgery.

The day before the scheduled surgery was a very emotional day for me. I was told to shower because I wouldn't be able to the day of. I remember staring at my stomach in the mirror, sobbing, because I didn't want to ever have to see myself with an ileostomy. I thought it was gross and I kept telling myself I would never, never show anybody this "thing" that would be on my body.  Without my incredible nurse while in the hospital, I honestly don't know where I would be. For only meeting someone and talking to her for such a short time, she changed my life. She gave me the courage to do what was best for my body, to get the surgery and ultimately end up with my JPouch. I remember crying to her, and she told me "Jacqueline, you will get your life back, I promise." Words cannot express or thank you enough, Kristin, because I have became a much more understanding, compassionate person - not only involving inflammatory bowel disease but with my future career too. I hope that one day I can change someone's life for the better as you did for me. For the past year I have always thought back to this day and reflected how much has changed for me. I'm one who always has believed that everything happens for a reason, and I know this horrible, embarrassing, life threatening disease was given to me for a reason.

Waking up from my surgery, I was in too much pain to even realize what was going on. The first thing I did, was reach down and feel my stomach and my bag. I cried and cried even more.

A few days later, I was doing okay but still very sad about my ostomy. I didn't like looking at it or changing it or letting other people look at it. I then realized that I could either sit there everyday for the next couple months and throw myself a pity party, or I could embrace my insecurity. I could raise awareness and show people that you can still live a normal life with an ileostomy. I knew it would come with many challenges, but I wanted to do this for myself and for others in the IBD community who are still scared to show their ostomy/scars or share their story.

 I am proud to say, one year - 365 days later - that I AM DISEASE AND OSTOMY FREE. It came with a huge cost, but I did it and even though I no longer "have my disease", I will forever dedicate my life to helping those people who struggle with the same problems I had in the past. I've gone through THREE, intense surgeries where my stomach has been cut open, my insides have been removed and rearranged within a span of 8 months. I am blessed to be left with a few beautiful scars that I will always love on my stomach from my incisions and my ileostomy.... 

The little bag, that SAVED MY LIFE. 

-- JKL